Can We Just Rewind?
by Chryedfan19
Summary: This is set the day after Syed and Christian's hand hold after their recent breakup, they've been back at the flat for a day.


I've been left very dissatisfied with the two big Chryed make-ups EE have given us. Both times for me it felt that as long as Syed came round to Christian's way of thinking the make-up was on. For me Syed had an important p.o.v too that the dialogue overlooked both times. I hope I've done justice to them both here.

**Can We Just Rewind?**

He'd been trying everything he could think of to attract his attention, fruitlessly and increasingly frustratingly.

Tidying very noisily had failed, unless you counted a disgruntled frown as some kind of success. That had been his modest reward when Syed had looked up very briefly and then grumpily lifted his legs to allow Christian to hoover the small patch of carpet his feet had been obstructing. Choking on a grape had attracted a look of mild concern but that had quickly downgraded to mere amusement before his target had calmly returned his gaze back to his damned book. An urgent need to know whether soya milk could be used in coffee was met with a shrug and not even a glance up. Further unsuccessful verbal probing had earned him no more than muttered responses. Whatever Christian tried and however hard he tried, Syed's nose stayed firmly in his book.

There was nothing else for it, this called for probing of a more intimate nature. Probing that would be impossible to ignore. Syed had asked for it and now he was going to get it. One thing Christian Clarke was not was a quitter. With a look that a demanding toddler would have been proud of, equal parts mischief and petulance with a large dollop of defiance thrown in, he positioned himself down on the sofa...right next to him.

A few minutes of hard staring got him nowhere, although the way things had been going he hadn't really expected it to, so he quickly gave that up and repositioned himself, curling up and feigning sleep. It was difficult to get comfortable of course and he made a meal of that before absently stretching out his leg, finally nestling one socked foot snuggly on the top of Syed's jean clad legs. Right at the top of his jean clad legs. With his eyes open just enough to be sure of his reaction he then turned his big toe inwards and began some gentle kneading ...that ought to work. Except it didn't. Syed just coolly lifted Christian's foot off him and plopped it down beside him...before turning the page.

More direct action was needed.

His patience gone, Christian sat up, grabbed the book and flung it as far as he could into the bedroom...it flew with a messy fluttering of pages followed by a soft and satisfying thud as it landed on the bed...perfect, just where he wanted to be too. This new sofa was far too small for what he had in mind.

Syed had known exactly what Christian had in mind all the time...he was surprised he'd got away with his teasing for this long. Perhaps it was because they were still a little unsure of each other...but teasing Christian like this, well it actually felt comfortingly normal, how they used to be. If he was honest up to now it had felt strange. They'd had a nasty break up and he'd only moved back in the day before. If anything they were both trying too hard to show that everything was just how it had been before...but it wasn't, not yet. Syed grinned, maybe they were getting there after all...he decided to be mock annoyed, play him along for just a little bit longer!

_"Thanks Christian!...I was just about to find out who killed the mistress of the bloke with the limp. Now I'll have to find my page again!"_

And he got up and crossed huffily to the bedroom.

_'Keep going_,' Christian thought...but if you even think of opening that stupid book you will be sorry.

Just as Syed reached down to retrieve it he got tackled from behind and after a short scuffle the pair of them landed unceremoniously in a giggling heap on the bed. Christian shoved the offending book further out of Syed's reach and it fell down wedged between mattress and headboard. Syed wasn't done yet though.

"_Hey stop that! I really want to know...who killed him.!.."_ and he stretched a hand out leaving himself defenceless and vulnerable to attack.

Christian seized his chance, "_Well tough..."_ and they tussled as Syed still struggled to get a little higher up the bed and Christian tried his best to pull him back...and then something twigged.

"_Him?...you said 'mistress'...you weren't even reading it were you...?"_

Syed had been rumbled but he wasn't about to admit it_..."He killed both of them!..."_ but he was laughing so hard at Christian's now merciless tickling that was as far as he got.

_"OK I admit it...but it was funny ...did you really think I'd rather read than do this?"_

Christian was about to joke back about him being so long in Amira's company that he might have been put off but he thought better of it...maybe they hadn't got _that_ far yet. They were still treading on eggshells a bit with each other he knew, he didn't want to spoil it when things were starting to feel 'right' again.

Instead he lifted up Syed's t shirt and nibbled at the soft flesh just above his hip...Syed groaned deliciously...

Oh God how he'd missed this, missed him. While they'd been apart there'd been a couple of guys...but it had felt mechanical...loveless...more like one of his workouts...nothing felt like this, stirred feelings in him this way, how had he lived without him?

Christian was vaguely aware of Syed stretching up, saying..."_Let me just get the book...it's Tam's he'll kill me if I damage it..."_

As Syed stretched up he revealed more temptingly bare flesh which Christian bit tenderly, eliciting more appreciative moans as Syed almost gave up the fight for Tam's book. Just as he was about to pull his hand back he felt something stuck there...jewellery? He hooked his finger round and pulled at it expecting to find a lost chain of Christian's...

Pulling it out without inspecting it he dangled it in front of him..."_Lose something?_" He asked grinning.

Christian stopped his ministrations to look up at what he must have mislaid but his face when he saw what it was all Syed needed to know he'd been wrong...badly wrong. He looked at it properly for the first time...the initials A.P.S were plain to see as the gold bracelet twirled round in his fingers.

A...Andy? Alan? Syed's mouth went dry as he pulled away from Christian and sat on the edge of the bed readjusting his clothes and doing anything to try and make the images that the bracelet conjured stop. He buried his head in his hands and screwed up his eyes, hardly noticing the consoling arm squeezing his shoulders.

_"It didn't mean anything babe..."_

He became aware of Christian and he turned to look at him. He'd thought he could handle it but what if he couldn't? The other times it had been different..he'd hated it but they hadn't been together. Technically they weren't this time but that hadn't been Syed's choice, not what he'd wanted. He _felt _cheated on, betrayed. Christian had made love to someone else in their bed when he hadn't even looked at anyone else...hadn't even wanted to look at anyone else.

Christian didn't know what to say...when he'd invited Aaron back it had been purely to get a reaction from Syed and yes to hurt him..show him what he was missing. The guy had been a complete bore all evening ...but then Syed had come in. But what had he expected? 'Be honest,' Christian told himself, you wanted him to, that's why you went there...and so for Syed's benefit he'd changed his plans and invited Aaron back and made sure that Syed heard him say that were coming back here.

The night had been ok...nothing special but ok so long as Aaron stopped talking...It had been a release, some solace for his hurt feelings and heck he could do what he wanted couldn't he? But nothing was worth the look he could see in Syed's eyes right now .

As he made his way back into the living room Syed tried to make sense of his thoughts, he just needed to get out of there to think...breathe. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

_"I have to go outside...for a bit.. I.. er...I won't be long..."_

_"Please Sy...it didn't mean anything...please stay and talk..."_

Syed couldn't though_..." Later...ok, later...I just need a walk...clear my head...that's all...bye..." _He was trying not to make a big deal of it but he had to get out of there.

And he was gone.

Christian's first instinct was to follow him, make him see it had meant nothing to him. It genuinely hadn't. But then he wondered, how would he have felt if Syed had slept with another guy? If he'd found some trinket from _that_ guy in their bed. He felt sick at the thought. Suddenly he wished he hadn't let Syed go so easily and he chased after him.

Syed avoided the swings in case Christian came looking for him...if they spoke now there'd be angry words, he'd had enough of that. The last few months had been painful and they both still had wounds that were sensitive to careless mishandling. So he walked, not really aware of where he was going. He'd seen the guy...Arnie... Anthony...even though he'd tried not to look at him that night in the restaurant...but then the next morning in the square...they'd stood up...to make sure he saw him? It had worked, he had.

After an hour or so and figuring Christian would have tried the swings by now if he was going to, Syed turned and walked back in that direction. He was freezing too but not quite ready to go home, at least it would be sheltered in the small play area.

As he rounded the corner he saw Christian there...head down, hands in his pockets sitting on one of the swings. Looking just about as crap as he felt. He stopped and thought about turning back for a moment, but he knew he didn't want to do that.

_"Hi..."_

Christian looked up at him startled suddenly out of his dejection, at once relieved but then scared that he'd go again...

_"Please Sy,stay...talk to me...listen to me..."_

Syed knew he wanted to talk but didn't know where to start. All that walking hadn't helped him sort out his feelings at all, it was like his brain had stopped functioning, it was numb. He tried to oblige Christian's need to talk, he knew it was the right thing...it was finding the words that he couldn't seem to do.

_"It's just..."_ and he hesitated, it was all such a mess. In the middle of his muddled thoughts two things were still clear ...he didn't regret his baby girl coming into their lives and the second thing was that he knew that he loved, with all of his heart, the man sitting dejectedly in front of him on a child's swing and wearing his own heart so openly for him. That had never, in all the time they were apart been in question for him. While he tried to find words to articulate his confused thoughts, Christian interrupted them.

_"I do get it...how you feel..finding that. It meant nothing...I know that...but ...I understand... I do Sy...I know how I'd feel if it had been you ...in our bed...I'd have hated it too..."_

Christian wished he could make Syed feel like he did about it, make him understand how meaningless it had been. How in the throes of it Christian had only really been wishing that it was Syed with him instead...not the well meaning slightly sweaty bloke who touched him in all the right places but never in the way Syed did...he didn't even come close. It was sex by numbers, quickly over and just as quickly forgotten. For Christian anyway. He hadn't wanted it to be anything else.

He'd known Syed would never get any sexual gratification from Amira. His feeling of powerlessness, all of that anger at the situation had been tied up with the so called perfect family unit that she represented, that he feared Syed yearned for above him.

Syed asked the question that had been uppermost in his mind, the one he'd asked himself a million times too.

_"How did it all happen Christian? Not that...but everything...how did we let it happen to us?"_

_" I don't know Sy...I know I felt you were slipping away from me...I just couldn't face all that again...all that time when you were with Amira before...I just felt it all happening again..."_

"_But that was then Christian,.when I left my family I chose you..I know you wanted me to get the divorce over and done with but it was never that I didn't want the divorce just as much as you..."_

Once Syed started it came out easier...Christian had left him ..slept with someone else..it had hurt..but with Amira always there it seemed, he had never really let rip. He'd hated her seeing cracks..._chasms_ in his relationship with Christian.

_"I'd hurt Amira so much before...what did you expect me to do? ...I tried to include you too get her to include you all the time... "_

"_I was angry with you Sy...I wanted you to wake up to what she was doing...you didn't seem that bothered about the divorce any more...the things she said to me I knew what she was after...that she would always try and come between us._"

_"Only if we let her! I hurt her Christian badly ...she walked away from her father for me...for me to see Yasmin..how could I push her straight after that ? Do you know what divorce means to her? I do and I caused it... and she's Yasmin's mum... Why didn't you tell me what she was saying to you?"_

_"Would you have believed me...?"_

_"Yes...I dunno...maybe not at first...you expected her to be spiteful even before she came back so maybe... I don't know..I might have thought you just needed to talk ...then you did the dna test...I accused her of lying the same day she'd been disowned for me..."_

"_And you wanted to believe her over me."_

_"I wanted to believe that Yasmin was mine, still mine Christian!...from the moment I saw her in that picture I felt she was... after I'd held her I knew she was...how could you expect me to be rational...given that choice? I did stay with you and accuse Amira of lying when she wasn't...but Yasmin is my daughter...couldn't you understand what believing you cost me?"_

They held each others gaze for a few seconds before Christian replied.

_"When I was angry with you Sy and sometimes I didn't even know why...for marrying her, for getting her pregnant...shit even for having a baby when it had been me who wanted one so badly...for leaving me out Sy. And then to find out she'd tricked you and you didn't believe me..."_

"_But I did believe you_."

_"Not straight away."_

Christian lowered his head after his latest foray...it was true though what Syed said, he'd been so caught up in his own hurt that he'd forgotten exactly what that test had done to Syed...not just that he'd done it without telling him, but that it told him Yasmin was not his little girl.

_"You were telling me my daughter...that my daughter wasn't really mine Christian."_

He knew it but it still hurt.

"_Your daughter...your daughter..not mine...what I wanted for us felt like you were having but with her!"_

They were both letting out deeply felt hurts and insecurities.

It was Syed's turn to take stock, he knew this of course he did, it was why he'd found it so hard to tell Christian he was seeing Yasmin after all. Why he'd tried instead to fix it so he didn't have to, he would have done things so differently now if he could.

_"I'm sorry...and I know I didn't help...I tried but I made it worse and I know how I felt when you told me about you and Roxy trying for a baby...I know how left out that made me feel so I knew this was worse for you...I do understand that Christian. I know we both acted like prize idiots. I don't know why it got so hard to talk...to the person that it matters most to...but maybe that was why. It just got such a mess."_

_"I know, but it needn't be Sy...we're talking now aren't we?."_

Syed spoke, more softly this time.

_"Why do you think I lied to you Christian?...back then...do you really think it was to hurt you?...to side with Amira against you? It wasn't, it was never that. I felt so bad...so guilty after I went to see Yasmin...held her. Stupidly, I can see now, but then I thought I could fix things with Amira...with time I thought I could for us. That one day I'd surprise you and bring her home...it was always for us...only I couldn't."_

Syed looked so downcast and Christian felt a wave of sympathy for him, for having been made to feel so bad for just seeing his baby girl, any father's right. Christian wasn't the one taking that away from him but he knew he hadn't helped either. He'd seen it as giving into Amira's demands but he'd forgotten the cost of not going to see her on Syed, especially once he'd been threatened with having Yasmin taken abroad before he'd even held her. .

Although he'd apologised Christian knew it didn't change that his own attitude when Yasmin had turned up had played its own part in putting Syed in a horrible situation. Yes he'd been hurt about the lying...wished Syed had been able to tell him but he cringed when he remembered some of the pressure he'd put on him. In truth that day on the Masoods doorstep he'd wanted to hold her too. With time he'd realised Syed hadn't lied to hurt him, in his own muddled way he'd hoped to win Amira round. Where Christian saw hardfaced vindictive cow, Syed saw the woman he'd wronged, the mother of his child. He'd been stupidly optimistic...Christian could see it now and he had been hard on him at the time...but then he could always be more detached than Syed could about Amira's feelings, he did understand that it had been very different for Syed.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but then, when he was already feeling an all too familiar feeling of being an outsider, then it had left him feeling hurt and vulnerable and defensive.

Christian remembered when Syed's foolish optimism over his parents, each time they knocked him back down again, had frustrated him beyond limit sometimes and he wondered with all he'd been through how he still retained it..that boyish optimism. It was a trait though that, despite the difficulties it caused them, it was one he'd rather have his Syed with. But was he still his Syed?

_"I know I bulldoze my way through sometimes Sy..it's just because, well, I'm just so afraid if I don't that you...they'll get..."_ Christian was struggling because really Syed never had, but he ended up with_..." they'll drag you back into the closet..."_

"_I know you and Roxy told me remember?"_

Christian cringed, he hadn't been proud of that either.

But Syed hadn't finished... he was letting out past wounds...not that he blamed Christian all for, but things that in their time apart he'd wondered if Christian had really understood at all.

_"Why did you think that Christian? After everything I went through...we went through...you were next to me when I walked away from them...Kamil was still a baby...do you think that was easy? A year they spent shunning me...hating me...blaming me. Even when my father's stupidity almost nearly killed me he still wouldn't come and see me...he'd called me a perversion..not his son! But when they finally started to accept me you were scared you'd lose me...but you didn't and you were never going to.I chose you Christian, told them they were out of my life unless they accepted you and me. And you thought I'd forget all that?...just calmly forget I was gay so I could play happy families with Amira...do you think I've spent the last year getting shunned by people at mosque, whispered about, spat at even.."_

Syed was saying some things he'd kept to himself but surely Christian knew it was hard for him at times even if he didn't always tell him the details...it felt good to let go a bit.

_"Do you think I could have gone through that just to forget that I'm gay?...I never gave up on us...that was you Christian when you left me! ."_

_"But when I came back you told me...you said you were happy...life was starting..."_

Syed saw red...

_"Oh for God's sake Christian what did you expect? you left me!...refused my calls! So you're allowed to swan back looking all gorgeous and tanned from the Canaries, acting like everything's ok and I'm not? You don't have a monopoly on pride Christian!"_

Christian felt suitably chastised. _"I know and I'm sorry...sometimes I say things I don't mean...you know that don't you? Maybe if you shouted at me like this...but instead I push and I push till I get the reaction I want..."_ He ran out of steam when he realised how petulant that sounded. He wondered how many times it had been rough for Syed when he went to mosque. Although Christian had noticed that Syed had been withdrawn sometimes when he'd returned, he'd always shrugged off any questions. He wished he could protect Syed from that. He considered borrowing Zainab's prayer outfit and following him in disguise if it was the only way, he hated the thought of anyone giving Syed a hard time. If he wasn't so angry at the thought of anyone having a go at Syed he'd have loved the image of himself in Zainab's clothes suddenly leaping to his defence and scaring those cowards.

Syed had calmed down, he'd felt an idiot about some things himself, the rings for one but he'd resented Christian's criticism of that since he was really only just holding it together after Christian had ended things with him. He didn't have to answer to Christian for that. He did know he'd been dumb as well though and suddenly he couldn't contain a grin,

_"So you're telling me I have to tell you you're being a prat more often?"_

"_Yes..."_

"_OK, I can do that._"

Christian got worried, he wasn't giving him carte blanche, he could see where this was going. _"Only if I am though..sometimes I'm right_."

It hadn't escaped him that even though Syed had been _really_ angry he had still said he was gorgeous and Christian never ever tired of hearing him say that. In fact it only meant anything to him these days if it _was_ Syed who did say it. He smiled as he replayed _'suntanned and gorgeous'_ over in his mind. He had looked pretty damn good when he came back, he had known it.

Seeing a smug smile appear on Christian's face and realising the cause, Syed made a mental note not to tell him he was gorgeous again, not for a couple of days anyway.

Christian cut through his thoughts, something told him despite appearances to the contrary they were winning."_ You went off to Karachi...thought you said you enjoyed it...?"_

Karachi... it was true Syed had loved it over there. Having let one unguarded compliment slip, Syed held back from telling Christian that the very best day over there had been the day he left Amira to her shopping and her beauty treatments and took Yasmin to Karachi Zoo. She'd loved the baby elephants especially and had giggled happily when they were having a bath. It had been by far the most enjoyable day of the whole trip and the only thing that had stopped it from being perfect was that Christian was not there to share it with them. He wondered if Christian had felt the same way about him while he was out in the Canaries. If he'd felt more confident of the answer he'd have dared to ask, a few months ago he wouldn't have needed to...but now...well everything felt so different. Like crossing a high wire with the safety net taken away. Syed couldn't risk falling.

As if he'd been reading his thoughts Christian told him..."_I could never have really enjoyed anywhere without you, you know_."

Syed fleetingly wished he'd said it first but Christian hadn't finished.

"_I didn't fancy anyone over there...no-one came close to you,_" he was in cheesy territory but it was true. _"On the beach I just kept picturing you in tight black swimming shorts all dripping wet and and sexy and coming towards me..."_

This time it was Syed's turn to be disarmed by a compliment and to fish for one more. "_Did you?...really?"_

Now Christian became slightly defensive because he'd admitted it first..."_Yup...but then whenever I imagined you...there she was...trailing after you, stumbling along in ridiculous heels on the beech..."Syeeeeeed!...Syeeed! wait for me..."_

Syed laughed and it felt so good to Christian...it was a little thing but it felt like more...that they were a team again. The silly little fact that Syed was prepared to share a joke with him at Amira's expense made him feel ridiculously good.

Syed stepped closer.

"_You once told me, why would you look at anyone else when you have me...well you had me...you always have had since that day I walked away from my family_."

"_I know Sy..It's just.._."

"_I know ...I do understand, but you have to believe it too Christian, I'm not going anywhere...I never was Christian_."

Without even realising it they'd closed any remaining gap between them...their hands had found each other...they'd each taken a little walk in each other's shoes which only stubbornness and hurt had stopped them from doing before. And of course they had different sized feet and very different style shoes...not an easy fit but definitely worth a little discomfort along the way.

And now they were kissing, neither one stopping to question it anymore...they just knew they had to.

Christian was the first to speak.

"_Can we go home? You can read that book if you want to, I promise I'll let you this time..."_

"_What book?"_

As they walked back home, now completely wrapped up in each other, Christian wanted to hear something once more.

"_So how was it you said I looked when I came back?"_

Syed looked like he was trying to remember... then he did,

"_Let me think...oh yeah, you looked all jet – lagged and pasty..."_

Just before they fell through the door though, Christian did manage to tickle one more _'sun-tanned and gorgeous'_ out of him.

The End.


End file.
